All Alone... But Not Quite
by Kadevi
Summary: Set right after Jadus dies in Arrows of the Queen. Lots of flashbacks.


This is angsty and sad, and has all these sad quotes from "Arrows of the Queen". Mostly flashbacks, it is. A lot of scene changing between flashbacks and the present, so be prepared.  
  
I felt I should write something after finishing "Arrows of the Queen", because it was so awfully sad in some parts... and because I could really relate to Talia...  
  
So I created this.  
  
Remember to review after reading. ^-^  
  
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"Talking outloud"  
'Thinking'  
*~*~*~*Flashback*~*~*~*  
~~~~~~Scene change~~~~~~  
(Author's Notes)  
  
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Disclaimer: I do not own anything that belongs to Mercedes Lackey. Quotes are taken almost directly from her books.  
  
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All Alone... But Not Quite  
By smileypal4eva  
  
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(set between "Arrows of the Queen" & "Arrow's Flight")  
  
  
Talia lay on her bed.  
  
She wasn't sick, or tired, or any of that.  
  
But she was alone.  
  
Skif had left for his internee assignment.  
  
Ylsa was gone, but happy in the Havens.  
  
Jadus was up there in the Havens too, getting his long-deserved rest.  
  
'Jadus...' Talia thought sadly. She got up and opened My Lady's harp case.  
  
There she sat, the wood seemingly moving under the dancing firelight.  
  
She missed Jadus... he had been the first person who had known the loneliness that she had felt when first coming to the Collegium...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jadus felt a bond growing between the two of them - felt without really thinking about it that it was his own "helpless" condition that allowed Talia to feel he wasn't any sort of a threat. He had been allowing himself to drift in a hermit-like half-dream for several years now, allowing the world outside his door to move off without him. It just hadn't seemed worth the effort to try and call it back - until now -  
  
Until now, when another heart as lonely as his had strayed to his door, and brought the world back with her. And as he watched the child at his feet, he knew that this time - for her sake - he would not permit it to drift away again.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
...he had let her pour out her problems of the Blues to him...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You know I would never say or do anything against your will, little one - " His voice was soft but held a note of command. The hesitant, wary child that had replaced the cheerful Talia that he had come to know and love was not at all to his liking, "But you aren't happy, and if you're not happy, then neither am I. I wish you would tell me why - and who or what is the cause. You know by now you can trust me, surely?"  
  
Talia nodded slowly, hands clenched in her lap.  
  
"Then tell me what your problem is. It may even be I can help."  
  
She was reluctant to confide in him, but found herself unable to resist the kindness in his eyes. "Y-y-you have to promise something, please? That you won't tell anyone else?"  
  
He promised that he would not, rather than lose the trust she had given to no one else.  
  
"I-it's like this - " she began, telling him eventually only of the shovings, the destructive tricks, and not of the notes.  
  
Jadus gave her advice on how to deal with those problems, and continued worrying about her.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
...And he had taught her so much... and she had enjoyed that Midwinter Festival so much... and always treasured the memory so dearly...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
When at last everyone's energy was drained to the point where they were willing to turn their attention to something quieter, Talia and Jadus took their turn.  
  
Jadus first played alone; his skillful fingers wave a spell of silence over the assemblage. There wasn't a sound to be heard as he played but the crackling of the fire on the hearth. The silence that endured for several long moments when he'd finished was a poignant tribute to his abilities.  
  
Before the silence ended, Jadus nudged his young protégé, and Talia joined him on her pipe, playing the melodies she'd learned taking her turn on watch during the long, cold nights of lambing season. The tunes themselves were simple enough, but with Jadus' harp behind them, they took on new complexity and an entirely new voice. There was another eloquent silence when they'd done, followed by wildly enthusiastic applause. Talia's heart was filled with joy at the sight of the new life and light in Jadus' face. She was fiercely glad then that they'd come.  
  
...She thought before sleep claimed her that without a doubt it was the finest Midwinter Festival she'd ever had.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
... And he had guarded her in her sleep, when she had taken sick...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Is there anything else you'd like, youngling?" Jadus asked, relief evident in his voice.  
  
Talia surmised vaguely that the Healer's confidence had allayed some worry he'd had. He took the now-empty mug from Talia's heavy fingers.  
  
"Play for me?" she whispered.  
  
"You have only to ask," he replied, sounding inordinately please and surprised at the request. She drifted off to sleep followed by harpsong.  
  
Ugly dreams and pain half-woke her; someone - it might have been Ylsa - calmed her panic, and coaxed her to drink more broth and medicine.  
  
She half-woke countless more times, obediently drinking what was put to her lips, letting herself be steered to and from the bathing room and the privy. She was otherwise unaware of her surroundings. She alternately froze and burned, and lived in a dream where people from Hold and Collegium mingled and did the most absurd things.  
  
When her dreams turned evil, they were always chased away by harpsong or comforting hands.  
  
...  
  
"Jadus?" Talia looked at Keren's sword doubtfully.  
  
"Don't make the mistake of thinking he's helpless because he's short a leg, lovey. There's been a loaded crossbow within reach the whole time he's been up here, and that cane of his has a swordblade in it. anybody tryint to take him would have had one hell of a surprise," Keren answered.  
  
...  
  
"Me? Your friend?" Talia was visibly startled.  
  
"Surprised? Jadus thinks of you as a friend, too, and he hasn't opened up to anyone in years..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
... so when he had died, what Dean Elcarth had told her had eased her pain at the loss of one of her dearest friends...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I have to tell you two things, my dear," Dean Elcarth said with a little difficulty. "Jadus was a long-time friend of mine; he was my counselor on my internship in fact. He left all of his affairs in my hands. He knew he hadn't much longer to live, and he told me when - he wanted you to have - " Mutely he held out the harp case that held My Lady.  
  
Talia took it in trembling hands and stared at it, unable to speak around the lump of tears in her throat.  
  
"The other things is this; he was happier these past two years than at any time since he lost his leg... Until you came, he'd been retreating more and more into the past, living in a time when he'd been useful. You made him feel useful again. And when you were sick - I don't think you realize how much your needing him, both to guard your safety and to chase the nightmares away with his music, made him alive again. And being able to counsel and guide you - it meant the world to him."  
  
"He - knew? He knew how much I needed him?"  
  
"Of course he knew; he had the thought-sensing Gift. No matter how well you think you shield, youngling, when you care for someone the way you two cared for each other... And when you started coming to him for advice or for help, and when he was the one you came to over the Hulda affair - I don't think he was ever prouder of anything he'd done. He often told me he no longer missed not having a family because now he had a family in you and in the friends you'd brought to him. He was a very lonely man until you came to his door, little one. He died a happy and contented man."  
  
Elcarth dropped his head and rubbed briefly at his eyes, unable to say more.  
  
"I have to go," he said finally, and stood up. Talia caught his hand.  
  
"Thank you - " she whispered.  
  
He squeezed her hand in acknowledgment and left.  
  
...  
  
And when she practiced on My Lady, she tried to remember him as he'd been that night, alert and alive, in the chair next to her bed with his harp on his lap, and a loaded crossbow hidden on the floor beside him, with his old cane exchanged for one that held concealed the blade of a sword.  
  
And the incredulous smile of joy that had appeared when she had begged him to play for her.  
  
Or the way he'd looked when he told her and Skif that they could leave the problem of Hulda in his hands - strong again; confident again - needed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Talia began playing on My Lady, dredging up memory after memory of her dear old friend, Herald Jadus.  
  
Now she was all alone, for Jadus was gone, and Ylsa was gone, and Skif was gone.  
  
Talia's thoughts wandered, and she found herself thinking of Rolan.  
  
She touched his mind.  
  
And everlasting love and trust flooded into her, warming her greatly. She smiled; it was a sad smile, but one that held joy and happiness in it as well.  
  
All alone, but not quite.  
  
Talia would never be alone, for she had Rolan. 


End file.
